THE TERMAGANT

By Omoseye Bolaji

It was clear from the beginning that I had been seated beside a female
battle axe in the plane. She looked formidable and hostile. Her first
words to me as I told her I was supposed to sit beside her were:

 "Just make sure you do not disturb my bags up in the compartment
upstairs. Put that bag of yours in a reasonable space!" She was
haughty and pugnacious from the outset.

And no sooner was I seated beside her than she began to complain about the charming air
hostesses. "These girls, women are not good. They are bad!" In my
innocence, being a mere male I had assumed that the hostesses were the
epitome of beauty, grace and good manners. But tell that to my
companion here! the virago on my left!

Then something now happened that sent something of a chill down my
spine. One of the hostesses to our left slipped and fell slightly. And
my companion muttered distinctly: "Let her goddamn leg break
completely!". 

I winced. What type of monster was I saddled with
during this flight? Now she was complaining about "immorality and bad
behaviours these days" They (i.e hostesses) must bring the food etc..."

Suddenly a thought struck me and I felt like crying. Always during
such trips I would enjoy lots of beer...but it was clear that with
this termagant beside me, she would not tolerate such things. Oh my!

Yes it was my privilege to order liquor if I so wished, I owed her
nothing etc; but these were theories. In reality I knew I could not,
with my shy nature, order any beers with this battle axe beside me.
What a dreary flight this would be.

Soon enough the pertinent hostess came to us and said to the lady beside me: "Do you care for a
drink ma'am? We have assorted soft drinks, even wine," I turned away
to hide my frustration and anguish.

The tough female passenger beside me replied: "These your wine bottles are too small...so give me TWO bottles of wine..."

Suke! I was now shaking with relief and excitement! The virago had nothing against alcohol! I grinned broadly as the hostess said to me: "And you sir...do you want some wine, or beer; or
both?"

"BOTH please!" I said, almost crying with relief. "I can start with two beers, and a bottle of wine!!"

Oh beer! I now fully realised what our great Wole Soyinka meant when he wrote about beer
being "transfigured" to exalted heights in his memoirs, You must set forth at dawn. This was after Soyinka after a horrific trip across the border (running away from Abacha regime) wanted a beer at all costs
and somewhat miraculously got it!

My companion and I both enjoyed our drinks….